You spent an hour preparing for the conversation. You covered everything: the presentation that ran over, the missed handover, the tone of that client email, the formatting on the monthly report. Three weeks later, nothing has changed.
It’s one of the most frustrating parts of managing people. You cared enough to be thorough, and the thoroughness is what sank it. Ten notes ask the listener to decide which one matters, and most people guess, or pick the easiest.
A story from executive coach Sabina Nawaz shows why, and what to do instead.
Pages of notes, or one?
In her book You’re the Boss, Sabina tells a story from her years in amateur theatre. Her troupe was a few weeks into rehearsing a comedy when their director needed urgent surgery. They had six weeks until opening night and a play that was nowhere near ready.
Her friend Anna, who directed for another company, stepped in. Anna was excellent. She could see the big picture, like where actors should stand, and the fine detail, like the pause before a line that makes it land. She gave the cast pages and pages of notes, and there was a lot to learn.
Then another friend, Kyle, came in as a guest director for a single rehearsal. He gave one note. It’s a comedy, so timing is everything: pick up the pace, and start your line as the other actor finishes theirs.
The cast made pacing their focus from that day on. It became the best production they ever staged.
Afterwards, Sabina told Anna how helpful Kyle’s single note had been. Anna’s reply: “But I told you all that four weeks ago!”
She had. It had been on one of those pages, sitting alongside everything else.
Why relevance matters more when you’re the boss
Anna’s notes were good, and they did improve the show. The trouble was volume. The note that would make the biggest difference carried the same weight as every other note, so the cast couldn’t see it.
Sabina calls this Verbal Overkill, and she argues it hits harder when you manage people. A manager’s words are already amplified. Your team is working out what you care about, so every point you raise gets treated as a priority, and the one that matters gets lost.
This is the “relevant” part of feedback that lands. Relevant feedback is the single change that will move someone furthest towards the outcome they’re working on. You choose it before the conversation, and that is the hard part because it means leaving good points unsaid.
Skip that choice and the cost builds up. People leave feedback conversations unsure what to change. Managers repeat themselves and decide the person isn’t listening. Both sides lose a little trust each time.
Try this: the one-note test
Before your next feedback conversation, take ten minutes and a sheet of paper.
- Empty your head. Write down every point you want to make. Getting them out of your head stops them all spilling out in the meeting.
- Name the outcome. What is this person trying to achieve right now? For Kyle’s cast, it was getting laughs.
- Score each point. Ask: if they changed only this, how much closer would they get? Circle the one with the biggest answer.
- Lead with it, and say why. For example: “The one thing I’d focus on before the board meeting is opening with the decision you need from them. Everything else is detail.”
- Park the rest. Keep the list. Come back to the next point once the first change has stuck.
If you can’t choose, ask them: “What would help you most before Thursday?” Their answer often points straight to the relevant note.
Help your managers say less and land more
Most managers were never taught how to give feedback. They copy what was done to them, and that often means saying everything in case something important gets missed.
Our We Need to Talk workshop gives managers a structure to fall back on: the WISER™ Feedback Model, built to engage the person receiving feedback and protect the relationship. In three hours, they learn the difference between coaching, feedback and input, and how timing, tone, intent and context change the way a message is heard.
They also tackle what makes feedback harder in real life: power dynamics, cultural differences, and what to do when a conversation doesn’t go the way they intended. Everyone practises on a real example of their own, in a supportive space, and leaves with a plan for the conversation they’ve been putting off.
📅 Book We Need to Talk for your managers
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